For insecure people

I think the worst thing a person can be is a slave to fear, and to insecurity. I mean seriously, this fear is not even based on anything real. It is all comparisons and standards and shame in your own mind and it is horrible. I am really not one to talk because I have dealt with this my whole life, but when you get to look at it from another persons eyes, when you get even a fragment of what it looks like to God's eyes than you see it for what it truly is: ugly.
I have never been able to understand what God saw in people. I've always questioned Him: why did you keep us? Why didn't you go and start over and make something that could actually succeed? What do you see in us that makes you love us? I have never been able to understand it. But now I am starting the point. If you look at a child, the one's who have never been exposed to the world and it's hardships, the joy and freedom that it has in innocence. The way it throws it's head back and laughs, it has no shame, it has no fear, it only enjoys what is around it. Sometimes I see that in the people around me as well. When a person is hyper and they just laugh and they just be themselves without focusing on themselves, and they just speak and talk and are just happy, it is contagious. It is beautiful. There is something unstoppable and absolutely wonderful to them and you can't help but love them. But then the same person can go from that beautiful thing to a mess in one instant. When we start looking at ourselves and start becoming a slave to fear.

A man is a slave to whatever has mastered them. It is a horrible thing when what masters us becomes ourselves: gratifying our lust, our greed, our fear. But especially fear. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we hate what God has made to love? How do we get so caught up in our own mind, our own fears about what others might think of us, our failures or our fear that we might fail, that we are a slave to it? But it is so ugly. When we constantly put ourselves down, we constantly hate ourselves and ignore reason, ignore what other people are saying to us. "You are amazing! You are worth loving! People like you! You don't need to hate yourself! You are so much more than you think you are!" I just want to shout it in people's ears so that they can believe it! Because it is true, but no matter what I say or how I say it, it is not going to make a difference to them. They will not hear it. They are too caught up in the lies that they are crap, when they really are not. If only they could see themselves the way everyone else does, if only they could let go off all their fear and become the person they are in those moments of freedom. Because that is who they are, these beautiful, shining, joyful creatures, laughing and free in the light of the sun. They are untainted and spotless and beautiful, and that is how God sees them.

I think I am finally starting to understand. All those verses about how God loves us, all those verses about how we are spotless and untainted and His beautiful bride, I never got it, but now I do. These people, us, we are that beautiful bride because that is how God sees us, He sees us the way we should be. Just like you can't see yourself the way other people see you, we can't see each other the way God sees us. But to Him He sees us in the moments that we let down all of our guards and just be, and He thinks we are amazing. He loves us, He can't help it. We just make Him laugh, we just make Him so happy.

But then we start hating ourselves, and that shrouds our loveliness with what is ugly. But we are blind and self-consumed. Maybe if we took our eyes off ourselves, we would actually do something cool, and then we wouldn't have to feel this way. And maybe we would actually let God change the way we think.

I mean, it's kind of hard to understand this and honestly some of us don't want to. But we need to because it is important, it will change everything. Christ died so that we could be free from our sin. And when Christ frees us from our sin we are FREE! We don't have it anymore, it is gone, and we can walk way white and perfect. Fear is a sin that Christ has freed us from. Why don't we walk in that? We don't have the fear, it is gone. But we imagine it's there, we imagine it is binding us, and so soon what we imagine turns out to come back and we become bound, and then we'll never be free. We think we will never be free, but honestly, is anything too big for God? Answer me that, is anything bigger than God? Is there anything out of His control that He cannot do? There isn't/ So our fear is gone, we just need to believe that it is. Trust that He has freed us. Because He has. And He sees us differently than we see each other, He sees the beauty in us. So we should live in such a way that we display that.

When I find identity in myself

Sometimes I wish I was better.
Better at everything,
Better at life.
It's like I live for the approval of other people,
the approval of myself.
Like the fickleness of what I see in the mirror is really going to change me.
Like the flickering thoughts around me, their inconsistency is going to tell me who I am.
But then again, I am not so constant myself.
I am like a pinwheel, every little flutter of the wind has the power to move me.
A sandcastle built too close to the shore, the waves lap at my base and it flattens, all the intricacies that made me unique dissolve in to solid mass,
 but it's like I wanted them too, I do not value them as much as I should, but without them I lose much.
I wish I was stronger,
A house built on the rock will not be moved.
A life founded in the Giver of Life will not be shaken.

when my life becomes so boring that is actually starts to hurt

Insistent, grey mist flutters before my eyes
Seeping into my vision till everything I see is tinted with grey.
Till I can only see the world with half closed eyes.
Till everything is dull, monotonous, routine, grey.

It is almost like it is willful, that it wants me to be blind, it wants me live in a box of my own making,
And it almost succeeded.

But it forgets one thing: I was not made to see in grey.
Every cell of my body has been fused with color, rainbows of blues and yellows that collide and form a tapestry of colors inside of me.
Colors that are not so easily forgotten.

So no matter how my life looks on the outside, I can never be satisfied.
The colors in my veins fight, struggle out demanding to be heard, demanding to be experienced,
demanding a greater spectrum of emotions: anguish, exuberance, ecstasy, hatred.
But never lethargy, apathy, indifference, boredom.

And so they fight.
And so I feel.
Though I cannot see my way through the mist, I cannot passively accept it.
I feel frustrated, dissatisfied. I feel as though though the routine of my life is a knife that chafes and grates on my nervous.
And sooner or later I will not be able to take it anymore.
And sooner or later I will explode. 
And the colors will burst forth like paint droplets and scatter everywhere, defying the grey, filling everyone with a sense of wonder, a sense of excitement.
A sense of more. 

And maybe they will finally start to question why they live their lives in this way,
And maybe they will cease to accept a life with so little,
And maybe they will break out.
I don't know, I just know that I will not be bound by the reality that is presented to me,
That life can and will be more, and I will not sit back until it is.

Too much

A drop of water. Another. Another. Another.
 Multiply that infinitely and what is small, what is harmless, what seems so insignificant it is not worth a thought becomes a flood.
 A deluge of water falling, falling, falling. It is no longer insignificant. It is dangerous.

I think of you. It is a beautiful thought, you make me laugh. Thoughts of you warm my heart.
They are harmless. Though I might like you, though I might feel a greater affection toward you, what is one thought really?
One thought, then another. Another. Another. Another.
A deluge of thoughts falling, falling, falling. Preying on my open mind, preying on what is unoccupied, what is already in your favor. But they are no longer innocent and beautiful.
They are dangerous.

What is worth a thought?
Certainly not what we let come. 

Ashes to ashes, and dust to dust,
But at the dawn of the day, tis the Lord whom I trust.

The Spirit of the Lord who moves in freedom,
who rides on wings of the sun,
 He comes.

He brings with Him stars to color the night,
And laughter and smiles, and joy and delight.
And the trees and the fields, and the birds as they sing,
And He wakes up the brook and together they sing,
He carries up dew to awaken our eyes,
"Wake up!", He says "Wake up and rise!".
The day is unfurling in front of our eyes,
"Wake up!", He says "Wake up and rise!"

Ashes to ashes, and dust to dust,
But at the dawn of the day, tis the Lord whom I trust.

Tired

Slow movements, faded skies,
My brain lumbers through and I don't know why
All the colors have seemed to have gone away,
And have tinted tomorrow the color of today.

As all life seems to spin as one,
weary and worn in the light of the sun,
as if it's a struggle to merely stay awake,
Cumbersome the load that we have to take. 

 As I sit and ponder I long for the day,
when the grey mist we live in will all pass away,
when we can once again long, and once again dream,
that life will become more than it seems,
for what we dream seems to all pass away,
faded asleep in the light of the day. 

You were beautiful.

Looking back through memories in a picture, I see you. I see things that my mind has already forgotten, happiness that was hidden under layers of confusion and pain. The joy that time dulled and all but erased. But it was captured. Before it was erased, to be lost forever, a little part of it was kept and stored away in a picture. I didn't notice it being taken, and if I did, with the joy was so overflowing all around me, I didn't need it. So it was forgotten. Out of sight, out of mind, it endured as time went on. And everything changed. The golden colors so vivid in the picture were muted, and faded and faded. The extreme happiness that shone through the picture, was all but a forgotten memory. And clouds covered the sun. And so the picture sat, shoved behind a large pile of nothingness, cobwebs, and dust, while the world that it portrayed grew faint and disappeared. Eventually, the sun came back again, but it was a different sun, it was no longer gold, but still beautiful, in its way. The happiness returned, but it was not the same. I came to like it anyway, I came to find it real, and it became who I am. I forgot you, and the golden sun, and the happiness we shared. It became like a different world, and I came to find that I didn't need that world anymore. And so it went, and so I forgot. Until now. Until, entirely by accident, I removed some of the nothingness that hid the picture. Unwittingly, I began to clear away cobwebs and dust, until I came across that picture. And then I saw you again. And then I remembered. And though the memories of what we shared have all but slipped from my mind, the vision that the picture held is not one that can be overlooked. I remembered the golden sun and the feelings of happiness, and I began to remember who you are. And I saw that you really were beautiful. When there was me, and there was you, and the smiles on our faces and the joy in our hearts scared away any trace of darkness or fear, and the love you had for me made the sun shine brighter. Your love was beautiful, and your heart was beautiful, everything about you was wonderful and happy. You were the gold and you made the colors shine brighter. As I look into the picture I see that. But I do not see everything as it was, because as I watch, you and I, those two people in the picture separate, until the space between our hearts becomes the time that has passed. And I see things as they are, not as they were. I look at the picture again, and can see the beauty there, but that beauty is not here. And you are not here. Because this is a different world, and you are not in this world. You are a shadow here, there is nothing beautiful about you. Maybe in your heart, some of the gold transcended down to this world, but we are too far away for me to see. Who you are and who you made me to be are faded away. So I will put away the picture, because I can not understand it in this world. Though I see you, my mind has already forgotten.